It happens without notice. You realize you’re lost in the fog. You feel unhappy and you start to search. The issue itself doesn’t matter as much as the universal feeling of being uncomfortable in your skin or feeling out of alignment. This feeling happens at midlife. It happens when you are at a cross roads or a life transition, or it happens when you are trying to build a business and you enter that black pit of confusion as you hire one guru after another to help rescue you from the drama. If any of this applies to you, here are five ways to stop the drama that’s keeping you stuck.
Distinguish “the drama” from “your drama.”
The Drama is the gap between what you actually have and what you really want. “The drama” is also the gap between who you actually are and who you really want to be. You are here, but you want to be there. You are single but you want to be married, or you wanted the promotion but got looked over again. You live in LA but you want to live in New York. You have a bachelor’s degree but you want a master’s degree and so on. The drama is nothing more than the gap that represents the distance between what you have and what you want. Once you distinguish “the drama” from “your drama” you can turn what was perceived as a failure into an opportunity for personal growth and emotional intelligence.
Ask yourself this question: “Where would I be without my drama?”
We often use our personal “dramas” to make excuses for where we are instead of looking for solutions to move forward. For example, I met a young man at the grocery store who said that he would love to be a fireman but he couldn’t afford to go to college to get the required two-year degree therefore he was stuck in a job he didn’t like and he perceived himself as a failure. The only failure he is really experiencing is getting stuck in his drama, which is his reaction to where he is versus where he wants to be. If he were to ask the question, “Where would I be without my drama?” he would find his solution and move forward. There are many solutions, which can be found by making other choices. Get a loan. Get a grant. Go part time. Save some money. Get a roommate. The only time we fail is when we give up. Once you ask this question you can recover from failure. At the very least you will spend less time and energy on the perceived failure.
Make a new commitment
Ask yourself what you are really committed to. Are you committed to your drama or are you committed to happiness? Once you get clear on your commitment you can overcome any obstacle. You do this by filling in the blank “I am committed to_________.” Then you watch every thing you say and every thing you do to see if your actions and words line up with what you say you are committed to. We reveal our commitments through our choices, whether we give voice to our commitments or not. Here’s an example: If you say you are committed to having a loving marriage, but allow your spouse to abuse you then the real truth is you are not committed to a loving relationship at all. Your actions show that you are secretly committed to making sure not to rock the boat. Or perhaps your real commitment is to making sure you don’t make your partner mad, or you are unconsciously committed to sacrificing yourself so you can stay married at all costs. However, the commitment to “stay married” is different than the commitment to build a loving relationship. The requirements are different for those two commitments. The choices you make will tell you what you are truly committed to.
Much of the time we make an unconscious commitment that involves changing other people. We can’t change other people but once we get clear on our own commitment people often change anyway. The one with the strongest commitment rules the relationship and this is the easiest way to take full responsibility for any failure to turn it around for a positive outcome. Use the “what if” techniqueIf you are still feeling stuck after working through the first three exercises, try the “what if” technique. If you can suspend judgment for just one hour you can literally change your destiny. If you believe in the “law of attraction” you must know that how you feel determines what you get. So the objective is to make yourself feel better about any failure you are experiencing. You must quit judging and instead reach for possibilities. You do this by saying “what if…” then you look for the positive aspects.
Examples include
· “What if there is a purpose in what just happened?”
· “What if this had to happen so that something really big could happen later?”
· What am I supposed to learn?
· What if I laugh about this five years from now?
· What if I find a way to share this so other people can find comfort
Once you find the possibilities you start the flow and turn your failure into a huge opportunity for growth and success.
Regain your power
When you are feeling lost or confused you have lost your power to choose. If you want to be successful simply take full responsibility for your life. The way you do this is to realize that all of life is made up of little choices. Yes, there are circumstances that happen to you, but in the end it is your choices that give you power or drain your energy. You gain power through making conscious choices and you lose power when you react out of an ingrained pattern or when you react because of some trigger that you haven’t learned how to control.
The best way to see if someone is in a victim pattern of thinking is when you ask the question, “What are your choices,” and they answer, “I don’t have any.” Responsibility is the recognition of choice. Real power comes in the ability to choose. As long as one is ruled by unconscious reaction there is no freedom to choose.
Marlene Chism works with people who want to stop the drama and take charge of their lives.
To learn more about life purpose, the Karpman Triangle or the Three Life Tragedies go to http://www.stopyourdrama.com Marlene is available for speaking engagements by calling 1. 888.434.9085.
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