I am sitting in my car, having just left the movie theater. I can’t tell you what movie I just saw, but I still feel the panic and all of the intensity of the moment.
My eyes are swelling up with tears, I let out a primal scream at the top of my lungs. And the accusations begin: “It’s all his fault! No, it’s all my fault!” The tears are falling faster and more violently now, like a summer thunderstorm. I can hardly catch my breath. My heart is pounding out of my chest and my stomach hurts from crying so hard. “What am I supposed to do now? What should I have done differently? How am I ever going to hold it all together? I’ll never be able to get through this!” And on…and on…and on. The tears have soaked my blouse and the recriminations are ringing in my head, as I sit here alone in my car in a movie theater parking lot.
I finally pull the visor down to try to clean-up my face before driving home. I don’t want my two kids to see me this way. As I look at myself in the mirror, my eyes were met by my own eyes looking straight at me. I immediately stop crying. I just sit and stare at myself. I close my eyes and hear the voices in my head say, “I’m so tired of crying. This isn’t getting me anywhere!” And thus begins my journey to my freedom from fear.
In reality, it isn’t his fault or my fault. Our feelings have just changed. Though we love each other, we are no longer in-love with each other. The decision is mutual. Now I’m on my own, with two children to raise, and fear that has overtaken me - for the moment.
Some of the most common forms are, fear of: failure, success, change, a loss of someone or something, becoming too powerful, being too weak being alone, being too happy and not being good enough. So what’s left ?
We experience chills or we perspire. Our heart pounds and tension fills our body. Sleep won’t come, even though we’re exhausted. And our mind is filled with the “talking heads.” Those voices that are so good at holding us back are also holding us down. We build theoretical stories that continue to grow out of proportion as we second-guess our own thoughts.
The difference between current and any future successes, and a stagnant lifeless existence is just one step. It’s your choice to take one step into the fear or back into a world of: “I can’t.”
The next time you feel fear coming over you, try these techniques:
1. Stop the Static: Close you eyes to outside stimulus
2. Calm the Waters: Take five very slow, deep breaths. Be sure to get oxygen all the way down to your belly. Hold it. Then release it, very slowly and evenly. Imaging a gentle ocean wave coming over your mind and body and as it subsides back into the ocean, it pulls all of the tension out with it.
3. Emotional Time-Out: Imagine yourself looking down at yourself from a thirty-thousand foot level. You are simply observing and no longer participating in the process. Now, with pencil and paper in hand, start writing two lists:
a. What will I gain if I step into my fear? What pleasure will I feel?
b. What will I lose if I stay stagnate? How might it hurt me?
Not only does this process begin to clarify your thoughts, it takes you out of an emotional frame and into an intellectual frame of mind.
4. Choose Wisely: Examine your two lists and decide what action you choose to take. This is very important to understand. It is ultimately your choice!
5. Step into Your Fear: Once you’ve made your decision, start setting benchmarks and timelines for each of the steps necessary to accomplish your new goal.
6. Celebrate: When we face fear head-on we become more conscious of our motivation. Our confidence rises with each step, as we conquer the underlying force that intimidated us. Our comfort zone begins to expand, as we are back in control of our life.
In case you were wondering what happened next . . . I drove home that day, grabbed pencil and paper, sat on the living room floor and drew up a detailed plan of what I wanted out of life. This included: continuing to provide a good living and education for my children; selling my house; selling my Chevy Camaro and buying a Honda that was more practical and less expensive to maintain; rebuilding myself financially; and taking my career to the next level. This occurred seventeen years ago, as my twenty-two year relationship with my husband had ended. Today my daughter and son are happy, healthy and doing great things with their lives. I’m enjoying a life that is filled with adventure, Fear still creeps in at times and I meet it head on. There is no stopping me. What a feeling of control and liberation!
©2006 – Dynamic Wisdom, LLC. By: Deborah M. Dubree. All Rights Reserved.
This article may be reproduced only with the permission of the author, author credits, and the inclusion of this paragraph:
Deborah Dubree, http://www.Dynamic-Wisdom.com - rose through the ranks within the construction industry from receptionist to CEO. She accomplished this by learning and utilizing practical methods on how to focus and maintain attention - while juggling multiple top priorities at the same time.
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